The Blues

So, it’s happened again. I’ve got another attack of the blues. I don’t know how it crept up on me but it has, and it sucks. It doesn’t get better each time because I have better tools to deal with it. The listlessness I feel each time is the same. Writing about it helps tremendously but it’s still painful.

The signs were all there, lethargy, excessive tiredness, restlessness, inability to focus and of course the overwhelming sadness. I’d like to say the sadness is inexplicable, but it’s not. The reasons for the attack of the blues are similar with slight variation.

This time around is due to lack of balance in my life. Balancing my own desires and wants with the other demands of my life. I’ve just concluded a particularly difficult work project. It was emotionally draining. I hated myself for needing this project financially. I would have so loved to leave everyone high and dry and just walk away. I was talked down to, ignored and treated like an idiot. It was a sisyphean project, every time when I think I’ve solved a problem, another one presented itself. Also, this work project wasn’t really mine, but it felt like I did all the boring legwork and somebody else got the cakewalk. I am very weary of this recurring theme in my life, to be stuck with the most boring tasks because I happen to be good at them. I feel like I am being punished for my abilities, punished with dealing with the most irritating people. I won’t even talk about the compensation as it’s irrelevant. Even if I am to be compensated well, it would not change how I am feeling today.

With the passage of time, I am acutely aware how little of it we have. As a result of this awareness, I am unwilling to compromise myself. I want to spend my days doing what I want to do with my free time, career path, raising my children, all without input from others. I want to do it my way. I’ve earned the right to do it my way.

It has also dawned on me recently I spent the best years of my life just struggling to keep my head above water when I should have spent more time enjoying life, despite the struggles. I got so bogged down by the negative I forgot to see the light. I revisit all the mistakes I’ve made which have cost me dearly emotionally and financially and wondered how I made them despite knowing better? All of these questions I have no answers to except to do better starting from now.

I have so many ideas, projects and businesses I want to start but I must attend to my other unfinished businesses first. I know it takes patience and all things come in due time, but while I am being patient, and as days pass me by, I feel trapped by this patience. I lose a bit of myself. And this brings me down.

I should be better at this now but I am not. Each wave of the blues hits me as hard as the last. Like all waves, you must ride it out until the tide is clear again.

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